Um… okay, so Hollywood hottie Jessica Alba didn’t really eat my hamster (although it’d make for an interesting blog). Besides, I don’t even have a hamster… So why the title? It’s all to do with how funny the tabloid newspapers can be when it comes to trying to attract readers.

We all know newspapers have to sell to make money, and this is particularly true in the cut-throat world of tabloid journalism. Whether it’s the classic UK tabloid the Sunday Sport, sister paper the Daily Sport, or the evergreen US entry the National Enquirer, headlines have become ever more ridiculous, bizarre and downright stupid.

Yet as stupid as these headlines can be, and no matter how dumb they may make their host paper look, it still takes someone to actually come up with a headline that can out-stupefy their print competitors. So, in homage to these brave souls that slave tirelessly at the crazy idea factory, here in no particular order are some of my personal favourites over the years.

1. Registrars Fear Flood Of Bogus Gay Weddings By Asylum Seekers (source: Daily Mail, UK)
One of the most conservative and prudish daily newspapers anywhere, the UK’s Daily Mail has long been the self-appointed guardian for the English middle class. Taking its (inflated) position as the country’s moral guardian, unless you’re a straight, married with 2.4 children regular church-going family in a wonderful marriage environment, you are the Daily Mail’s enemy. This headline perhaps sums up all that’s jingoistic and homophobic about the Mail and the cronies that read it – Heaven forbid if the gay asylum seekers are black!

2. Two Sh*gs – There’s Hope For Fat Gits Everywhere (source: Daily Star, UK)
Back when Tony Blair was still Prime Minister of the UK, one of his key men was John Prescott – so much so that he was appointed Deputy Prime Minister by Blair. Of course, this means very little – Tony Blair was nothing more than a puppet for Dubya Bush, so any appointment by him is like announcing kindergarten classes by Michael Jackson. Anyhoo… Prescott isn’t exactly the most attractive of men (allegedly he was a face and body double for Sloth in The Goonies), yet that didn’t stop his secretary sleeping with him. A classic case of money making your eyesight disappear. The headline was actually a pun on the controversy at the time – Blair’s government was trying to get the UK to go greener by using public commuting more and driving less – all while Prescott had two Jaguar cars to get about in, and received the nickname “Two Jags”. See what they did there? Must have taken a while on that one…

3. I Kicked Burning Terrorist So Hard In Balls That I Tore A Tendon In My Foot (source: Daily Record, UK)
Hmm, there seems to be a trend developing here – all three headlines so far are from UK papers. I guess we’re just so bored otherwise that any kind of excitement gets us going (why do you think I moved to Canada?). But this was a belter. In June 2007, a jeep loaded with propane canisters was driven by terrorists into the glass doors of the main terminal at Glasgow Airport. However, thanks to an outstandingly brave Glaswegian cabbie, this attack was thwarted by the actions of the headline- let’s face it, kicking anyone in the balls will stop them in their tracks, but kicking someone in the balls while they’re burning? Sheer class! It has to be added, though, that the cabbie may actually have only punched one of the terrorists in the face and there was no burning balls kicked at all - but still, gotta love that headline!

4. Headless Body In Topless Bar (source: New York Times, US)
Huzzah – a headline from the good old US of A! There are lots from the US, actually, mostly from the Enquirer. Yet this one from the ever-reliable New York Post was a blinder. I mean, really, how can you even argue with a headline like that – it’s a topless bar, so why should it seem strange that there should be any heads? New York Times, I salute you! 

5. Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster (source: The Sun, UK)
Okay, so I’m busted – my blog title wasn’t from my own excellent imagination glands – rather, it was inspired by quite possibly one of the best headlines ever. UK comic Freddie Starr was known for his outrageous antics, both onstage and off. In March 1986, the Sun newspaper ran with this eye-catching headline, following claims by wannabe famester Lea la Salle (looking for a modelling career at the time, coincidentally enough). The story goes that Starr was staying at the home of La Salle and her boyfriend after a night out clubbing, and asked for a sandwich in the middle of the night. La Salle refused, so Starr got some bread, put her pet hamster between the slices and ate it. Although the story would have been outstanding in both poor taste (no pun intended) and downright animal cruelty, it was later proven that it was all a fabrication and publicity stunt.

So there you have it – my little list of some of the best tabloid headlines that I can remember over the last few years. There are countless others, I know – these are just my own favourites. Please, feel free to share any of yours. In the meantime, I have to go to the pet store to buy a hamster – after all, you never know when you might have Jessica Alba round for dinner…